BREAKING NEWS: CONGRESS PASSES A $300 QUADRILLION PACKAGE TO BREATHE FREE INC. FOR DEVELOPMENT OF MECHANIZED LUNG TECHNOLOGY
Today, Congress officially approved a massive funding proposal for Breathe Free Inc., the country’s first corporate mechanized lung technology (MLT) manufacturer and distributor. With an incredible bipartisan vote, Congress passed a $300 quadrillion package to fund the mass development and distribution of MLT lungs to hospitals around the country.
“We understand that a recent uptick in respiratory illnesses, like the flu, may indicate that the Disease is on the brink of revival,” said House Speaker Schancy Schelosi. “A second coming of the Disease, if you will.”
“When the Disease first struck us over fifty years ago, we were thoroughly unprepared. Our economy tanked, stocks crashed, and our blessed fast-food restaurants were forced to close.”
“But history is not doomed to repeat itself. Today, we take decisive, preventative measures to preserve the freedom of every American citizen under our nation’s values of life, liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.”
Congress’ decision may come as unsurprising, for some. Fueled by lingering fears about the Disease, MLT has become one of the most successful innovations in modern medical technology.
Scientists at Harvard first developed blueprints for an MLT artificial lung in 2055. Made with a blend of lightweight metals and fibers, MLT lungs are a quick and easy replacement for human lungs. With antimicrobial capabilities, MLT can eliminate the transmission and infection of respiratory diseases with an 80-90% success rate.
CEO of Breathe Free Inc., Beff Jezos, was one of the first humans to be fitted with MLT lungs. Inspired by his newfound “aerobic lifestyle,” Jezos founded the company Breathe Free Inc., whose motto describes his vision: “Freeing ourselves, one breath at a time.”
In a viral YouTube vlog addressed to Congress, Jezos explained that the original Disease was primarily caused by biological weaknesses in the human body.
“The Disease revealed what we already knew—our bodies are chained in weak, broken flesh,” said Jezos. “The human body needs a software update. Breath Free Inc.’s vision is simple: to hook up every person in the country with a set of mechanized lungs.”
When social media skeptics asked about the logistics of performing lung-transplant surgeries for 300 million Americans, Jezos stated:
“It’s about the cost-benefit analysis. And the benefits of MLT—they extend beyond Disease prevention. MLT liberates us. How long have we been told that smoking is builds tar in our lungs, that vapes are addictive, that coughs are contagious?
MLT has the potential to free ourselves from the prison of our physical health, to reclaim titles like ‘chain smoker’ and ‘drug addict,’ and to enjoy everything America has to offer.”
Given the country’s newfound focus on individual liberty in the post-Disease era, collaboration between Congress and Jezos seemed inevitable.
Early this morning, Jezos took to Twitter to express his enthusiasm towards Congress’ decision. “I am thrilled to share my message with fellow Americans,” said Jezos. “Let’s make our country free again.”
Bio: Krystal Yang is currently an English major at Pomona College. She is originally from San Jose, California. Her work is featured or forthcoming in Crashtest Magazine, Parallax Literary Journal, Careless Magazine, the New York Times,and Polyphony Lit. Recently, she has found solace in e-books, morning walks, and green tea (unsweetened).